Grief
Grief is love looking for a place to land
How do I support someone who is grieving the death of a loved one?
The hardest part is being able to tolerate the suffering of your loved one. They are hurting and you want so much for them not to. You are feeling their pain. Pain is the inevitable consequence of love. And there is nothing you can or should do to make their pain go away. It has its course to run.
Listen. Truly deeply listen. No matter what they’re saying.
Stephen Covey’s quote “Seek first to understand, and only then to be understood” is always helpful.
What to say?
“Tell me more about that”
“Help me understand”
“I hear you”
Allow silence. You often don't need to say anything at all. In the pauses, your loved one often finds their way. Invite remembering, sharing photos and stories, and playing favourite music. “I’d like to know more about [deceased name] ”Hug, hold, touch, hold their hand and allow them to refuse. A graceful way to allow refusal and still offer compassion is with a soft gaze, a gently bowed head, a loving smile, and placing your own hands over your own heart. Offer to brush their hair, rub lotion into their hands, and pay for a massage.
Why why why? The human mind is a sense-making machine. It will drive a quest to understand what happened and why it happened. This is normal. Your loved one will go over and over again the circumstances of death seeking to understand it. You know they will not ever find the sense they are seeking so it's tempting to stop them, to distract them, to offer some platitude. Let them talk. Trust that they will find their way to a place of acceptance.
Self-blaming. You’re loved one will (probably/ possibly) blame themselves in what seems the craziest most irrational ways. This blog - “Guilt & Grief: Giving Yourself Mercy When You Feel You Are To Blame” - is helpful https://heatherstang.com/guilt-grief-giving-mercy-feel-blame/ 
What do you say to your loved one when they are blaming themselves?
Ideas, always spoken in a gentle tone of compassionate loving :
“Oh, my beautiful girl/ boy. It was not your fault.”
“What would [name of deceased] say to you right now?”
“What would they want for you?”
“It seems like you’re telling me there’s nothing you did right. I wonder if that’s true.” (or, “I saw so much you did that was good, that was loving, that was generous and kind-hearted”)
Never tell. Ask
There are (almost) no “shoulds”. You and your loved one have a unique personal relationship. Trust your love for them and know that, when you are acting from a place of open-hearted love, you will do no harm. If there’s something practical you’d like to do, ask their permission. And be okay if they say “no”. If you don't know what to do, ask "What can I do that might help?". And be okay if they say, “I don’t know” or “there’s nothing you can do”.
Practical help might include:
Do some of their housework, such as cleaning or washing.
Answer the telephone for them.
Bring over pre-cooked meals that only need to be reheated before serving.
Offer to pick up their children from school.
Drive them to places they'd like to go. No judgement – wherever they'd like to go.
Never obstruct. Keep safe.
When love is driving a person to do something that doesn't make sense to you, allow encourage, and help them do whatever it is they are doing. When fear, panic, or anxiety drives them, help them stay safe.
Don’t argue.
Reassure. “What you're going through is hard. And you're doing the absolute best you can given the circumstances”. Share your own stories and experiences of sudden loss, but only when it might be helpful for them to hear. Share your learnings from grief. But only when it might be helpful for them to hear.
For example, “What I learnt was... that the pain never goes away. It's always there. I can contact it, feel it at any time I choose to (or it chooses to intrude) – acute, real. Over time, as I went on living, I gained new experiences. The place that was lost of [name] is smaller now but only in proportion to all the other experiences of my life”.
As time passes
Remember the birthdays, anniversaries, major holidays, and special dates of the deceased. Simple messages, "I’m thinking of you. No need to reply”.
Recommended podcasts – available on your podcast app.
Grief Tending, curated by Elham Day from Humming Bird House in partnership with Palliative Care Qld. Two streams are available – one for healthcare professionals and one for community members seeking to offer practical care and support to bereaved friends, colleagues, or relatives. More info https://palliativecareqld.org.au/grief-tending/
Grief Out Loud, with Jana DeCristofaro from the Dougy Centre for Grieving Children & Families More info https://www.dougy.org/news-media/podcasts
The Mindfulness & Grief Podcast is hosted by Heather Stang, founder of the Mindfulness & Grief Institute. More info https://heatherstang.com/grief-podcast/
Further Reading:
The Grieving Brain
The Dougy Centre is the US National Grief Centre for Children and Families. Their website has a wide range of resources for people of all ages grieving before and after a death. https://www.dougy.org/grief-support-resources
“Growing around Grief” is a postvention toolkit developed in Melbourne for those impacted by sudden death through suicide. https://www.semphn.org.au/growing-around-grief
Supporting grief after death from overdose – online resources are a bit more scattered. Family Drug Support is a good place for Australian families www.fds.org.au Possibly helpful tips here https://www.addicted.org/news/five-tips-to-help-you-through-the-grief-of-an-overdose-death/ and here https://www.verywellmind.com/support-after-death-from-drugs-22137
Yours with love. Love isn't everything, it's the only thing. Jen – a work in progress Jennifer Grant, Clinical Psychologist Coffs Psychology & Neurotherapy14 Aug 2024
